I'm keen to continue to raise awareness about mental health and one way I can do that is through my blog. Writing about it, I feel, not only helps me offload, I hope that is also helps others find strength in the knowledge that they are not alone. Mental health causes a lonely reality in your head, it can make you feel like you are the only one and you can even begin to question whether you are in fact poorly or whether you've just got "stuck in a rut".
Despite a lot of people in the world walking around with blinkers on, because in truth they don't want to deal with someone "moaning", mental health issues exist all around us:

• Mental health problems are one of the main causes of the overall disease burden worldwide.
• Mental health and behavioural problems (e.g. depression, anxiety and drug use) are reported to be the primary drivers of disability worldwide, causing over 40 million years of disability in 20 to 29-year-olds.
• Major depression is thought to be the second leading cause of disability worldwide and a major contributor to the burden of suicide and ischemic heart disease.
• It is estimated that 1 in 6 people in the past week experienced a common mental health problem

I admit, everyone's situation is different. Some deal with it better than others; some take medication, some have natural or herbal remedies, some have overcome the majority of their obstacles and some don't know the way out anymore. But despite it being a difficult and risky to talk about it in my position, I feel like I have no other option if this is one way I can not only help myself, but help someone else, even in a very small way, somewhere in the world.


So, what is it like?
Since I became diagnosed with depression, and I was put on a course of medication, I know it is something I battle with constantly. I no longer take medication, I'm averse to it at the moment, but there are days I really struggle to put on a smile, get out of bed and pretend the world is amazing. It's a battle that often gives me headache, sometimes for days, because of the WWIII going on in my head, mixed with the frustration that I can't stop it. I can't stop feeling crap and it's so hard to drag yourself up and out of the black hole you're falling. Sometimes it's just so tiring and you have no energy to fight it anymore.


Have you ever / do you ever

This is how I feel, daily. That isn't because I'm on the edge, this is just what my experience is with the illness that I've got. Yes, I have good days. Sometimes I feel more lifted than other days and less challenged. Some days I end smiling, some days I end over-thinking every aspect of what is going to happen or what has happened.


Having depression is a constant battle. I believe it makes me introverted, which in return causes me to have very few friends. It can make me sad, which people interpret as moody, which in return makes people view me in a different light. It stops me being, who I think I am, deep down - but it is also what makes me stronger, every day.


The sad thing about the perceptions of others is that - I would help anyone. I care, deeply, about people and their feelings and I would listen and support absolutely anyone. That's just who I am. Yet, likely for the reasons above, people just don't "like me", and that's hard to live with daily too. But I'm learning to not care as much! Because as harsh as that sounds, self-care is more important than caring for others. Truthfully, if you can't look after yourself, how can you look after anyone else?


My wife and my children are the most precious people to me. My wife lifts my up on a daily basis, she is a strength I never knew I could have. They all make me smile and feel better. They make me feel loved, cared for and most of all - make me feel human. My wife and my children are the reasons I still get up each day, despite the fact I could just lay in bed and shy away from the world.


Despite everything, I know it will get easier, one day. The pressures will ease, the fog will clear. The light at the end of the tunnel will stop being a train and it will become actual light, permanently. Everything will seem more real, more fresh. My mind will be clear and I will be the person I know I can be. I just have to find the key to the box and put this illness inside, lock it with a key and sit on the box.


Regardless of who you are, you will get through any mental illness you are suffering. There is always a way out and always an open door, you just have to find it and have the courage to step through. Be strong. Because you matter, regardless of what you think now, you do matter. Always remember that. And whilst I aren't promising your illness will ever "go away permanently", because mine hasn't - you can learn to put it in the box and sit on it! Keep it where it belongs, banging and screaming and making you work to keep it there - but eventually, it'll just get easier. Really, it will.

Your mind can store the most precious of memories, but it can also keep taking you back to memories you want to forget. It is so powerful that it can take you to places you've never been - but it can also take you to a place you never want to be.

A lot of people live their life without fully realising the extent to which their mind can take them. They don't dwell, they just live. They don't look back, only forward. Nothing really worries them and anything that does is short lived. And I don't blame those people, life is far too short to do otherwise.

In fact, personally, I wish I could be more like those people. I battle daily with anxiety, like many people do, and I am always trying to improve, to get better, to overcome my issues - but this illness is probably the hardest to fight off.

Despite being a very private person, I know I need to talk openly about these issues and since I made that choice, amongst other things, I've touched on my illness with depression (Depression 'Just Is') and I do truly believe that I have that locked in a metaphorical chest cabinet - trying to escape but failing because of my determination, my family, my ability to manage, cope and acknowledge it; all of which keeps it from taking over my life again. But anxiety, for me, seems more deep, more powerful. It consumes, scrambles and confuses me. It hurts, it drains and it damages.

My biggest issue that I have to overcome on a daily basis is how people perceive me, what they think about me. Fearing I've upset someone's feelings, that they think badly of me - when I genuinely feel I try my best all the time and I would do anything for anyone to help them, but the feeling that I've not met their expectations or that I've done something to hurt or upset them, as silly as it sounds, sends me into a scramble and my mind goes into overdrive. Even someone having a bad day and snapping at me can affect me all day. It drains me of my emotions, it can change me from my happy state to a quiet, reserved, zoned out state and the more often it happens, the more it scares me and makes me wish I could overcome these issues easier.

I caught depression early, I was able to resolve that. I retrained my mind to think differently. Catching something quickly is always best. But anxiety, it just seems part of me. Over-thinking everything has been such a huge part of my life that I know nothing else. I have managed to stop some aspects of my inability to switch off. Every evening before I closed my eyes, I literally played back my day through my head. Torturing myself to see whether I had done anything wrong. Whether every decision I made and a situation I was in, was right and played out how I believed it should. The only positive from this was that it developed my memory skills like some twisted brain training game from a Dr. Kawashima - apart from that, it did no good and I am glad I no longer do that, 6 out of 7 days, anyway.

One of the hardest parts about this issue is others understanding it. I am lucky I have a safe haven at my home, with my partner who understands me and kids who love me regardless - but because it is hard for people to understand and for me to explain, it literally makes me want to shut myself off and keep myself away until I feel I can stand tall again. Luckily, my family can make me smile and overcome my scrambled thoughts, but some days are more difficult than others. If I could have surgey tomorrow, guaranteed success with no chance of danger, to remove this awful part of my brain, I would have it. Without a shadow of a doubt. There are times that I could cry when I know I am struggling - it is one of the hardest things to cope with so often, with so many critics and judges in the world.

For those with the same issues, I suggest you find that haven for you to. Somewhere to go, something to do - which refreshes your mind. Everything can seem very much like this:


When you're in that state, it is hard to see light. To think clearly, to have the attitude of "oh, so what...". You will experience headaches. But remember, life is too short. You need to prove nothing to no-one, all that matters is your health and your happiness. And I know it is diffcult, heck I struggle myself and all of this advice packs a suitcase, jumps on a plane and disappears to some place I've never heard of - but if you have to, write it down, read it - remember it. Think it everytime you know you're struggling. If this is a battle between you and your mind, come out on top - control it rather than letting it control you. I am working on this, it is an active project. I aren't perfect, I am by far a shining example of someone who has overcome this, but I am overcoming it now with the right support.

For those who don't have the issues, think before you judge. I always get called moody, grumpy - or have comments thrown around like "what's the matter with him", in a tone that just isn't necessary. I don't mean harm to anyone. I just sometimes have to sit quietly, to gather my thoughts. Sometimes, it's just because I struggle with social situations. Putting myself "out there" opens me and my personality up for scrutiny, which is difficult to handle at times. What you may not realise is the person you're judging has a lot going on and because they may not be physically rocking backwards and forwards, or shaking in fear - doesn't mean they aren't suffering from anxiety.